Friday, January 08, 2010


Reputable historian Matthew MacLachlan was arrested outside his Dorchester, Dorset, home today during what seemed to be a last-minute attempt to escape the country. The police intercepted the classically dressed man, sporting his idiosyncratic briefcase, in the early morning. Reports suggest a one-way plane ticket to Moldova was found hidden inside one of his custom made pockets. The flight was scheduled to leave later in the afternoon, but adverse weather conditions, ironically, left it to be cancelled.

MacLachlan is accused of pulling the strings in the biggest case of prostitution and procuring to ever occur in the United Kingdom, causing over 17 women to be arrested in the past 24 hours due to their involvement in the outrage. This has left some pillars of the community to label him as The Puppet Master. In spite of vehemently denying the allegations, the investigation so far has returned enough anecdotal and concrete evidence to suggest that MacLachlan is at least partially involved in the unprecedented scandal. He is currently held in custody until further questioning. According to authorities the festively plump academic has shown little cooperation, labeling the officers as 'braindeads' who would be 'feathered' the 'second' he was released.

A source maintains that during one of the more heated parts of the debate, MacLachlan apparently began whipping a small silken handkerchief at the inspector across the table. The inspector had simply enquired into the relationship MacLachlan may have maintained with an old friend from the University of London, a certain Brandyn Shaw. Unfortunately no comment could be acquired from Mr. Shaw as it was discovered, during an attempt to contact him, that he had, in fact, managed to force his head so far up his own ass that he had caused a rift in the space-time continuum and returned to the 1930s. Friends insist it was a personal goal of his.

Other reports suggest that MacLachlan, who trained as an amateur magician in his youth, had pockets in his coat that were literally never ending. Police withdrew from them a pen holder (no pen), two bottles of ink, seventeen quills, a stash of cocaine, fourteen leafs of silver, twenty issues of The Chap and a small section of the original cross.

It remains to be seen whether this magician can make his own sordid past simply disappear.

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